A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy. Let a man be one thing or the other, and we then know how to meet him. ~ Aesop
I have always been fascinated with the concept of "Group Dynamics" How people interact with one another..... This is especially of interest because I have four children, two of which are girls. How people behave when they are in a group and how that may differ from the way they would act on their own. Fascinating. Second to this is my interest in understanding personality types.
I suppose part of it may come from the fact that my parents moved a number of times and in each town there were perceptions about where I lived, how I acted, and how I dressed as to what social group I was accepted in at school. Yes, I learned the drill.... when I lived in a big house and had cool clothes, I was higher up on the social ladder, and when times were rough, I became invisible. My husband, on the other hand only moved once as a child... and even then it was just a few blocks. He never had the opportunity to reinvent himself.
Combine our experiences and you have two people who are determined to raise their children in a non-conformist environment where status is irrelevant. There will always be someone who has something that you don't .We purposefully chose NOT to live in a subdivision (especially a newer one) where there are social pressures to keep up with the "Joneses" (OK I admit that part of this concious choice is an effort to quell my competitive side) I find it kind of ironic, though that the local school bullies refer to those living at the bottom of the hill in older homes as "runoff". I find it hilarious that they don't even consider the fact that their newer larger homes on less land might possibly be equal to the monatary value of an older home on alot more land. How strange and twisted perception can become when anything newer is perceived as being better, and that to a teenager, identity is so closely connected to what their parents own (or, in reality, what the banks own until the parents pay it off)
How has the descision to stay in our 1940's home affected our children? I often think about this. For one thing, there aren't very many children in our ward (church group in our area). This could be both a good thing and a bad thing. All the adults in our ward know my children and are concerned about them, but on the other hand many large wards provided an opportunity for a bigger, more diverse group of friends. A few years ago we were tossing around the idea of moving or staying and remodeling. We asked the kids what they thought, and it was unanimous. They all wanted to stay. They know what moving would mean to their perceived social status at school, and yet they were willing to sacrifice status "upgrade" in order to stay here. (I have to admit that we do have really great neighbors... one especially is like a third grandma)
In thinking about social structures (and especially girls) you always run into the problem of Cliques. Personally, growing up I never lived long enough in one place, or perhaps really didn't have the desire to be included. I had to learn that I was OK as a person, and that sometimes it was better to have few or no friends than to have bad friends.
I came across some interesting articles written by some authors about what girls and women are dealing with.
and another good article: Girls Cliques: What Role does your Daughter Play?
I guess if I could sum it all up I would have to say that these cliques are like out of control fires started by the desire for power and influence over others by using behavioral tactics and games to manipulate things. They are fuled by jealousy, pride, greed, and fear. Power coming not from being a great person, but from knocking others to the ground and stepping on them to raise their perceived status. People form cliques in order to feel superior to others... where exclusion and toxic relationships abound. These types of "Leaders" are not what I want for my children.
There must be something that happens when you become a mother. I remember taking my oldest in for her first set of shots as a baby. The overwhelming feeling that came over me when the nurse administered the shots was hard to control. Here this person was hurting MY BABY. It took everything I had not to jump out of my chair and physically assult the nurse. Yet, that is what nature has done. Motherhood turns us into protective snarling seething creatures when someone is hurting our children. Perhaps not on the outside, but definatly on the inside. Still, I find myself wondering when, as a parent, do I step in and intervene when group dynamics have affected the balance of happiness of my children? Thankfully, my children, for the most part have wonderful, great friends, but once in a while you run into someone that is just looking for trouble. Grrrrrrr... snarl.
If you really wanted to simplify things you could just turn to the bible.... you know, thou shalt not covet....love thy neighbor as thyself....thou shalt not bear false witness (that means lying) ...oh and the whole do unto others thing. Is the best advice always "Turn the other Cheek"? Unfortunatly, not everyone plays by those rules, and at what point is there risk of just becoming a helpless victim? What do you do when the problem gets ignored, but never goes away? These are questions that I find myself asking.
I did find an article that was interesting and this quote is from the article regarding friendship:
Teaching children about Friends and Friendship
Elder Marion D. Hanks spoke of the importance of friendship:
“One of the most important choices any of us ever make in this life is our choice of companions with whom we shall share our time and lives … Companions can do wonderful things for us. If they are happy, generous, thoughtful, honest people, we will very likely be that way when we are with them. … If they habitually use clean and decent language we will likely talk that way, too.
“If our companions are prone to kind and noble thoughts, they will in all likelihood help us turn our thoughts in that direction also. If their habits are sound and sensible we will be influenced towards such habits. If they do things that are wholesome and constructive, we will likely go along.” (Church News, 30 January 1960, p. 3.)
I think the best thing I can do as a mother is to encourage all of the good friendships that my children have and help them realize that sometimes you have to throw away the bad apple in the bushel in order to be happy.
